Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Awesome shit that is awesome
So driving home, I turned off the Jungle Rot for a rare moment, switched to XM and rediscovered that nothing beats Whitesnake on the car radio. Really. Nothing. At least for a white dude who saw Witchboard in the theater. Coverdale is down on love and, once and for all, he doesn't give a damn. He has played the fucking crying game for the last time. Until the next time. Saints and Sinners, incredible as it is, pales in comparison to the soaked-in-Kitaen-stank eponymous '87 masterpiece which, for some reason, leads me right into '88 and Action Jackson. Sharon Stone nude when we needed her to be, Vanity nude when Sharon Stone wasn't and Craig T. Nelson as the baddest martial artist in Detroit. Who, by the way, can also drive a car up a fucking flight of stairs. Indoors. The whole damn exercise makes me want to throw someone out a window, across a street and through another window. Which Action Jackson does. The only thing missing is Arnold's bicep and, to remedy that yearning, Lich King's "Predator" hits the stereo as soon as I step into the house.
Predator 2, painfully unappreciated and apparently as yet uncelebrated by Lich King, regularly makes the evening rotation on my television, displaced only by Rambo: First Blood, Part II. And Rambo: First Blood, Part II, well, is the shit. Specifically, the shit I once watched six times during a 24-hour VHS rental period. Shit so formative, so awesome for at least twenty-seven reasons I compiled carefully circa 2008 as I anticipated the release of Rambo aka Rambo IV aka Rambo: First Blood, Part IV:
1. Rambo: First Blood Part II kills 57 people in order to rescue five decrepit POWs.
2. Rambo: First Blood Part II was born 7/6/47 Bowie, Arizona of Indian-German descent. Joined army 8/6/64. Accepted, Special Forces specialization, light weapons, cross-trained as medic. Helicopter and language qualified, 59 confirmed kills, two Silver Stars, four Bronze, four Purple Hearts, Distinguished Service Cross, Congressional Medal of Honor.
3. Rambo: First Blood Part II is expendable.
4. Rambo: First Blood Part II knows Murdock wasn’t in the second battalion, third marine in Comtun in ‘66.
5. Rambo: First Blood Part II knows the second battalion was in Cuzank.
6. Rambo: First Blood Part II is no stranger to pain.
7. Rambo: First Blood Part II ignores the stealth advantages of a bow and arrow by emitting the sound of a gunshot with each arrow released.
8. Rambo: First Blood Part II can transform into a wall of mud in a matter of seconds and then become clean (and dry) just as quickly.
9. Rambo: First Blood Part II can incinerate all buildings in an entire wicker village simultaneously with a single explosive arrow.
10. Rambo: First Blood Part II can destroy an entire brigade of Vietnamese soldiers using only a chicken and a gallon of gasoline.
11. Rambo: First Blood Part II knows that Vietnamese soldiers who dare to grow mustaches must be destroyed with explosive arrows usually reserved for simultaneous incineration of all buildings in an entire wicker village.
12. Rambo: First Blood Part II was just supposed to take photographs.
13. Rambo: First Blood Part II is smart enough to wait until Co Bao’s death is certain before promising to take her to America where she can enjoy a cheeseburger.
14. Rambo: First Blood Part II knows that, if all else fails, you can tell who the Russians are because they have giant red stars painted on everything they own, wear, drive and/or fly.
15. Rambo: First Blood Part II would have gotten a second Medal of Honor for this.
16. Rambo: First Blood Part II, although created by Col. Samuel Trautman, can be controlled by no man.
17. Rambo: First Blood Part II is coming for you, Murdock.
18. Rambo: First Blood Part II remains aware that, even though captured and tortured by the Russians, they will leave all of his weapons (and pants) nearby for easy retrieval should he escape.
19. Rambo: First Blood Part II knew all along that the Vietnamese and Russians would collude and maintain multiple covert military bases so that they may continue to exploit five decrepit POWs for much-needed free labor in a Communist regime.
20. Rambo: First Blood Part II was never supposed to come home.
21. Rambo: First Blood Part II is thankful that there is a convenient hole in the windshield of his helicopter sized just right for a rocket launcher to fit through.
22. Rambo: First Blood Part II eschews night vision.
23. Rambo: First Blood Part II never knows when two little knives may come in more handy than one really, really big knife.
24. Rambo: First Blood Part II trusts neither pirates nor mercenaries, especially those carrying Russian rocket launchers.
25. Rambo: First Blood Part II has little regard for office equipment when reporting to Murdock that his mission is, indeed, accomplished.
26. Rambo: First Blood Part II has even less regard for the comfort nor UV protection of a cotton shirt.
27. Rambo: First Blood Part II will live day by day.
And, #28, Rambo: First Blood Part II, of course, leads me right back to Jungle fucking Rot. Circle of fucking Life. Hakuna fucking Matata.