Sunday, May 13, 2012

We're Through. Breaking Up with Bands.

For almost as long as I've been buying records, I've been collecting my favorite bands in a completist fashion. There are plenty of fantastic solitary entries on my shelves but, more or less, if a single act has more than one record I love, I'll eventually get it all, the good, the bad and the ugly. I'm just that interested in the entire story of a band I enjoy. And I generally weather through low points and lulls patiently, either waiting for future work to move me like the albums that drew me in to begin with. Even I have my limits, though, and, cleaning off my shelves this weekend, came across a few who no longer rate an automatic purchase of their latest product and have an overdue "Dear John" letter coming their way.

Dear Def Leppard: I've had it. The spark has never quite been the same since 1981. I know we had a few more good times through the 90's but it's apparent I'm not your type anymore. First I thought you cared more about older women than me, then maybe just country girls but now it's become apparent that you only care for older, country women who shop at Wal-Mart. I don't know how you'll skew your next effort toward the Hoveround-driving, NASCAR-loving, Forever Lazy-wearing crowd but I'm sure you'll find a way - especially if Taylor Swift is involved. We're finished.

Lars, Kirk, James and someone else: We need to talk. I don't know if our relationship is beyond repair but it feels like we'll never get back on the right path. I tried to be patient and indulge you. I'll admit I even had fun experimenting but it just got too excessive. It's hard to put the genie back in the bottle and it's obvious that therapy isn't the solution for us. I appreciate that you tried to start over but it just feels like your heart isn't in it. Plus, I know you've been cheating. Don't deny it. Everyone's been laughing behind your back about that old cougar you've been seen with. I don't know if you're the table but sure as hell hope you can find the door.

Jerry: We both know this is long overdue. I really appreciate how you tried to spice things up by bringing someone new into the relationship and, for a while, it was OK again. Then they got sick of it, too. After your latest indiscretion I think it's safe to say, "It's not us, it's you."

Dave: I won't lie, you still deliver in the headphone department. You just say a hell of a lot of stupid shit. Ted: same goes for you. You're both on notice.

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